“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”
It took a heck of a lot of strength to get showered and dressed in a party dress for the photo. I was determined though. Spending 3 days wearing the same night clothes while suffering from Covid is plain yuk! Besides, I wanted to shout from the ‘rooftop'(my lounge in my Covid state) about my epiphany.
My epiphany burst forth yesterday when I was lying in bed scrolling through Instagram looking at photos of people out and about. Feeling like I was missing out, I looked back on my year.
This is what has/is happening to me:
1. Massive job insecurity due to public sector cuts.
2. My favourite cousin, aunty and uncle died within three months.
3. Hubby had a cancer scare and op. Needed care.
4. I had a very bad fall in September which damaged the soft tissue in my legs and tore the tendons in my arm. I couldn’t walk well for 6 weeks.
Epiphany struck. I had completely missed the point that I have been quietly fighting emotional and physical battles at home. In silence. With a brave face even when feeling negative. Instead, pre-epiphany, I had felt like a bad talisman, an omen of bad luck, for having one thing after another collide within months.
People made me feel this way too. ‘Again?’, they would say when I told them about my latest piece of bad news.
There were days when I didn’t want to get out of bed for fear of having to face another piece of bad news. My mountains seemed to grow taller and taller. I constantly questioned the meaning of life while feeling like I was being sucked into a vortex.
We are always being told that it requires a brave face and a bulldog spirit to get through life’s adversities. Humans don’t always function this way. More notably, a woman’s emotional work is always done in silence and in the home. We are told what to feel and to be grateful for x, y and z. Be optimistic. Be Brave. Keep calm and carry on.
Instead, I panicked while carrying on. I started two new jobs during the year. Tough jobs too. Cried my way through some days. Felt like a floundering jelly of a mess other times. There was no shape or context to some of my days especially in the immediate aftermath of my relatives’ deaths.
But, I got through. I am breaking the silence. Tooting my own horn. Nobody else will.🌺
While nothing can compensate for the deaths of my relatives, no certainty in the work place and no guarantees with health, I move forward knowing that I am strong and resilient.
Back to bed now. I made an effort to get showered and to dress up for this post. Wearing the same nightie three days straight is yuk.
The message is to speak up about your epiphanies. God knows that in these awful times of rising inflation and bills, sharing stories of personal breakthroughs and resilience helps others. Two fingers to what people think about your struggles. Speak up.